December 17, 2013

CU NOOZ’S GUIDE TO FINALS

Sledders head back up libe slope after runs on their objects of choice.

  • Can’t remember an equation? Just write it on your hand!
  • When attending a professor’s office hours, come prepared with at least 5 questions and bribes.
  • Use fun mnemonic or religious tricks to remember formulas, like SOCATOA or WWJD
  • Vague or long winded responses usually warrant at least half credit.
  • Tear up the paper of the student sitting next to you. The professor will give you bonus points for asserting your dominance.
  • Ask to go to the bathroom during the test. There won’t be any proctors in the bathroom, so you can Google the answers there.
  • Sleep directly on your open textbook, any pillows between your brain and the pages will absorb the knowledge instead.
  • Sledding on the slope is a great way to relieve stress during finals week. Afterwards, you can call the CUPD on your friends to reduce competition!
  • Remember the three A’s for preparing the night before, during and after a final: Ambien, Adderall, Alcohol.
  • Calculate your grade so far in the class before the test, then only study exactly as much as you need to pass the class. Anything higher then that is just showing off. Nerd.
  • Use a fake id. That way if you bomb the test someone else will get that grade.
  • Go to Chipotle right before the test. Your farts will weaken surrounding students, thus curving the mean in your favor.
  • Jeff from Donlon says he has the pill that Bradley Cooper took in Limitless, but you didn’t hear that from us.
  • Sneak a lighter into the lecture hall. Then create tiny smoke signals to communicate answers between classmates.
  • Remember to just relax. Grades don’t define you. Your GPA defines you. Also your resume. And your extracurriculars.  Man, you really didn’t even try this semester.

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