ITHACA, NY – Determined to bounce back from her disappointing Fall semester at Cornell, returning freshman Maddie Campbell reportedly “has a really good feeling” about her New Years resolution to go to the gym, ace her classes, make new friends, have lots of sex, and party every weekend.
“It’s all about the mindset,” Campbell explains, regarding her personal commitment to improving her physical, mental, emotional, and psychological well being. “A lot of people come back from Winter Break with unrealistic resolutions. Not me.” Campbell continues, “I didn’t really have a lot of free time last semester, but I’ll definitely be able to exercise, study, go to parties, do extra credit assignments, drink on a weekly basis, and have regular sex this time around.” Cornell gym memberships have skyrocketed as students across the campus confidently make what will surely be a life-changing decision. “I thought about trying to diet as well, but I didn’t want to bog myself down too much” Campbell concluded, while eating half a pizza and binge watching the 5th season of The Office on Netflix.