Gannett Releases New Health Initiative: “No Need To Worry About Grades When Life Is a Meaningless Abyss And We’re All Going to Die One Day Anyhow”

As students prepare for another stressful round of preliminary and midterm exams, Gannett Health Services has released a new initiative to boost mental health on campus. Some tips laid out include:

1. Just relax and breathe. We are all part of a finite blip within the cosmic nothingness of existence.

2.Enjoy the scenic campus of Cornell. Look unto the clocktower, man’s great and ephemeral accomplishment. We are nothing.

3. The emptiness inside you is normal, unless it’s not. Stay hydrated!

4. Take a walk around Beebe Lake. The natural surroundings are serene. Look upon what man hath destroyed.

5. Enjoy safe and healthy sexual activity. Reproducing is your only means of making an even semi-permanent impact on this world.

6. Reach out to professors and advisors. Take solace in the short-lived wisdom of your elders. It is now your burden to bear.

7. Drink responsibly. Resist the sweet escape of coming to terms with your mortality.

8. Take a study break with free popcorn at Willard Straight!

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