ITHACA, NY – In an action that has confused friends and family alike, Student Assembly vice president Sarah Balik has begun reasoning all of her thoughts out loud, often employing obscure metaphors.
“The thing about swine is that they always seem to love the muck they live in. Why wouldn’t they? It’s all they know. However, the trick is keeping them there…” said Balik while staring intensely into the distance after a conversation with SA president Ulysses Smith.
When questioned about the behavior, Balik said, “Why, that is absolutely ridiculous. If you’ll excuse me, I have more important things to do than deal with slanderous reporters,” before immediately freezing in place, looking into the distance, and saying, “Reporters are all parasites. They’ll leach your life away at any sign of weakness. Unfortunately for them my hide is far too thick for them to sink their teeth in.”
At press time, Balik was seen eating ribs at Trillium whilst bantering with a large African American man.
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