ITHACA- The Cornell University Career Services office reported Wednesday that as of 12:51 p.m., all undergraduate freshmen, sophomores, and juniors except you had accepted offers for internships for the upcoming summer. “We are so proud of almost all of our students this year. They have put a tremendous amount of effort into their job searches and it has paid off with exceptional opportunities for all but one lazy idiot,” said Executive Director of Career Services Rebecca Sparrow, who lauded students who were hired at prestigious companies like Google, Apple, Goldman Sachs, Deloitte, Boeing, SpaceX, and the New York Times. “The possibilities are endless for a Cornell student with the resources that we make available. Any student should be able to secure a highly coveted position without a problem. Seriously. Get your act together. You know who you are.” At press time, sources revealed that you just missed the application deadline for that internship you really wanted.