CU Nooz’s Student Assembly Election Predictions

With Student Assembly elections currently underway, political analysts are calling this year’s campaigns some of the most highly contested in history. Here are the CU Nooz political team’s predictions:

S.A. President: Sarah Balik. Thaddeus Talbot’s weak ankles and poor reflexes will be too much for him to overcome in the physical portion of the election.

S.A. Executive Vice President: Juliana Batista. Super PAC Bats for Batista ensured this election would be uncontested by filling would-be candidates bedrooms with swarms of bats.

S.A. Undesignated At Large-One: Seth Lutsic. Lutsic was able to salvage an otherwise underwhelming debate performance by closing with an impeccable Matthew McConaughey impression.

S.A. Undesignated at Large-Two: Lisa Liu. Liu separates herself from the pack by demonstrating an understanding of the fundamental differences between Undesignated at Large-One and Undesignated at Large-Two.

S.A. Architecture, Art & Planning: Alex Zhou. Zhou will win in a landslide victory after all potential opponents died in a tragic landslide.

S.A. Arts and Sciences: Noah Tulsky. Tulsky, the incumbent, is expected to secure his 9th term as Arts and Sciences representative.

S.A. Agriculture and Life Sciences: Lindsay Wershaw.

S.A. Engineering: Vikram Kejariwal. Or Mark LaPointe. Or Rhiana Gademsky. Who can say really? These things are impossible to predict.

S.A. Hotel Administration: Franklin Yang. Yang projects to be an excellent Hotel School rep based on meeting the sole nomination requirement of being in the Hotel School.

S.A. Human Ecology: Lauren Goldman. Goldman hopes to serve as Human Ecology’s first ever representative on the Student Assembly.

S.A. Industrial and Labor Relations: Marc Masson. Masson’s story is an inspiring one, as this marks his triumphant return to student government after being ousted from his elementary school’s student council amid accusations of scandal.

S.A. International Liaison at Large: Aditi Bhowmick. Her effort has shown through, as she has stood outside the Dairy Bar every day for 3 weeks shaking hands and kissing babies.

S.A. Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgendered, and Questioning: Mark Marotto. Marotto gained much traction with his campaign slogan “Not Gay, Just a Big Fan.”

S.A. Minority Liaison at Large-One: Syed Ali Khan. He already told his parents he won, so it would really suck if he lost and had to break the news to them.

S.A. Minority Liaison at Large-Two: Denzale Resse. Reese is primed to become the first minority to be elected Minority Liaison at Large-Two representative. All previous reps had been middle-aged white Protestant men.

S.A. Women’s Issues Liaison at Large: Cecilia Gabriella Iachetta. Her platform promising more pizza for lunch and extended recess has been extremely popular with voters.

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