CUNooz’s 161 Things To Do Before You Graduate

1. For a fun time with friends, go apple picking at Cornell Orchards!
2. When you get to the Orchards, lose your friends in the trees. You won’t be needing them.
3. Find the man wearing a red coat.
4. Don’t ask him any questions.
5. The man will have an envelope. Take it from him.
6. What are you doing? Don’t open it here.
7. I’m starting to think you weren’t the right man for the job after all. Don’t disappoint me.
8. Hide the envelope in your coat.
9. Go back to your friends.
10. Tell them you were just using the bathroom. They’ll believe you. Idiots.

11. Wait until they’re done picking apples to avoid suspicion.
12. Go back to your Collegetown apartment.
13. Make sure no one was following you.
14. Go into your room.
15. Close the door. Lock it behind you.
16. Open the envelope and spread the contents out on your desk.
17. See that there is a floor plan for the Ithaca National Bank, as well as the names and pictures of all the employees.
18. Realize how easy these were for me to get. You’re in the big leagues now, kid.
20. Memorize everything. Especially the picture of branch manager Jeffery Hawkins.

21. Burn all the documents.
22. Go to sleep. Tomorrow, your new life begins.
23. Wake up.
24. Get dressed quickly.
25. Go outside there will be a black sedan waiting for you.
26. Get in. Tanya is driving. She’ll take you where you need to go. Yes, she is gorgeous.
27. Don’t hit on her. She’s clearly out of your league.
28. Arrive at the Ithaca National Bank.
29. Take a suitcase and the silenced pistol from Tanya.
30. Relax. You won’t need to shoot anybody. It’s just for insurance.

31. Get out of the car. Tanya will be waiting for you when you get back.
32. Go into the bank.
33. Approach Jeff Higgins at the teller desk. You can trust him.
34. Tell him you’d like to take out a loan to buy a dune buggy and wink with your left eye.
35. Follow him to the vault.
36. Wait until he enters the key code to unlock the door.
37. Ask him what the hell is taking so long!
38. Hear footsteps coming down the hall.
39. Realize they’re getting closer.
40. Feel your heart beating in your chest. Take out the pistol.

41. Notice that the footsteps are getting even louder. You didn’t sign up for this.
42. Your ears start ringing. Get ready to shoot…
43. Jeff’s finally got the fucking door open. Quick, get inside!
44. Close the door behind you.
45. Turn around.
46. Jesus fucking Christ that’s a lot of money. Take it all in for a few seconds.
47. Alright, that’s enough. Load as much as much of it you can into the suitcase.
48. Jeff’s going to go make sure the coast is clear. Wait for him to come back.
49. Hear a loud banging sound.
50. Rush out of the vault to see what’s going on. Shit! A bank security guard has pinned Jeff to the ground.

51. Pull out your gun and shoot the security guard!
52. What are you doing? Pull the trigger.
53. Do you think this is a fucking game? I said shoot him!
54. Alright, good job. You did what you had to do. Fuck, you got Jeff in the leg.
55. You hear the alarm go off.
56. Don’t start panicking. Guys get killed when they panic.
57. Help Jeff up off the ground.
58. Let Jeff put his weight on you and make your way out to the parking lot.
59. See that Tanya has already left.
60. Hear the police sirens coming from down the road.
61. Sit down on the pavement and wait. This is it. your life is over.

62. The police have arrived. Get on your knees.
63. Place your hands behind your head. Get handcuffed.
64. Be forced into the police car.
65. Look out of the window.
66. See Jeff being placed in an ambulance.
67. Feel the car start moving.
68. Start silently weeping. It’s funny. When you were a kid, the Police made you feel so safe…
69. After driving for ten minutes, look out the window.
70. See a black sedan driving straight for the police car.

71. Brace yourself for impact. This is gonna hurt.
72. Feel the police car spinning out control.
73. Taste the shards of glass that have been forced into your mouth.
74. Notice the car slowly come to a stop. You’ve felt pain before, but not like this.
75. Through your blurred vision, see a female figure approach the car.
76. Hear her say in a thick Russian accent, “I never leave one of my own behind.”
77. Get dragged from the wreckage and put into the passenger seat of the sedan.
78. Feel the car start accelerating at an excessive rate.
79. Faintly say, “Thank you…”
80. Pass out from blood loss.

81. Wake up two days later in a rusty bed. You’ll feel weak but comfortable. It is the afternoon.
82. Don’t sit up too fast, you’ve been through a lot, you’re going to want to take it easy for a while.
83. See that Tanya is sitting next to you just as beautiful as ever. She’s crying.
84. Ask her what’s wrong.
85. Listen to her explain, “Jeff, I …I ….couldn’t save him. Someone…ratted us out ”
86. Kiss her passionately. You’ve never felt like this for anyone in your entire life.
87. Promise that you will kill whoever did this.
88. Feel her kiss you back. Her lips are so soft.
89. Forget about your injuries for a little while.
90. Make beautiful love to her well into the evening. If there’s such a thing as heaven on earth, this is it.

91. Get out of bed at 2 a.m. It is extremely dark.
92. Go into the kitchen. You smell the cookies that Tanya made earlier… makes things seem almost normal.
93. Start thinking about who would have betrayed you.
94. See the glare from a flash light outside the window.
95. Scream, “Tanya get down!” Dive to the floor.
96. Hear bullets from a machine gun shatter the window and fly over your head.
97. Army crawl back to the bedroom to get a gun.
98. See that Tanya has been shot in the chest.
99. Take her into your arms.
100. Listen to her weakly say, ” Make who ever did this to us…suffer.”

101. Watch her die right before your eyes…
102. Pull yourself together! This is no time for crying.
103. Sprint out of of the house. You have only one thought on your mind. To kill whoever did this.
104. See the man with the flashlight standing in the distance. Fire six shots in his direction.
105. Watch him scream and fall to the ground in pain.
106. Run up to him, and kick his gun out of his hands.
107. Bellow, “Who are you working for!”
108. Hear him start laughing.
109. Repeat “Who are you working for!”                                                                                    110. Realize that it’s the man in the red coat.

111. Listen to him say, “You have absolutely no idea who you’re fucking with…You went and pissed off The List Maker.”
112. Say, “Well, looks like he’s on my list now motherfucker,” and shoot him in the head.
113. Search his body, and find a business card for “Iron Clad Manufacturer Co.”
114. Go back into the house.
115. Kiss Tanya one last time, and say “I will never forget you.”
116. Grab as many explosives and weapons as you can carry and load them into the car.
117. Get into the drivers seat.
118. Plug “Iron Clad Manufacturers” into the GPS.
119. Turn the key in the ignition.
120. Follow the GPS to my corporate headquarters.

121. Arrive at the building.
122. Notice that the building is a gorgeous skyscraper.
123. Put all of the explosives in the trunk, and all the weapons in your backpack.
124. Whisper, “It’s now or never.”
125. Drive at full speed towards the side of the building.
126. Dive out of the car before it hits the wall.
127. Watch the massive explosion create a huge hole at the base of the skyscraper.
128. Pick up your collection of weapons.
129. Hear the alarms in the building start to go off.
130. Enter the building and begin your assault.

131. See that the company henchmen have begun to swarm the building.
132. Open fire with your machine gun causing them to take cover behind the many pillars in the lobby.
133. Keep firing to pin them down.
134. Make your way to the elevator.
135. Press the up button, while continuing to fire at the henchmen.
136. Mumble to yourself, “Why does everything take so fucking long to open?”
137. Notice that the elevator door has finally opened.
138. Dive inside.
139. Rapidly press the button for the top floor until the doors close.
140. Notice there are several bullet holes right next to wear your head is.
141. Breathe a sigh of relief. That was a really close one.
142. Ride the elevator all the way up to my office.

143. Walk out of the elevator doors.
144. See me sitting in a chair. The List Maker.
145. Hear me say, “Please don’t hurt me! I can give you money.”
146. Point your gun at my head and, shout “This is for you Tanya!”
147. Hear me cry out, “No wait……”


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