ITHACA- Slope Day Programming Board sources confirmed Wednesday that this year’s headlining act would be comedy legend and star of his eponymous show, Jerry Seinfeld.
“I was thrilled to hear that we got one of the biggest names in the business,” praised junior Henry Collins of the observational comic. “He wouldn’t have been my first choice, but this is a performance I’m going to tell my grandkids about.”
The announcement came as a surprise to many, as Slope Day performers in years past have been younger, mostly hip-hop, pop, and rap artists like Kendrick Lamar, Drake, and Nelly, in stark contrast to the 59-year-old comedian, actor, writer and producer.
“I hear he’s not as good live,” complained Senior Julia Lutz, adding that the writer, producer, and star of Bee Movie is “past his prime.” “I would’ve much preferred someone like Andy Samberg or Aziz Ansari.” At press time, SDPB confirmed that the opening act would be a rerun of Friends.
In a CU Nooz exclusive, Mr. Seinfeld provided an excerpt from the set he anticipates to perform on the slope:
What’s the deal with these pregames? You have your pregame, you have your postgame, when’s the game? Is this the game? Who came up with these game-names anyway? What’s their end game? They won’t explain!Have you seen these, all these slope day pinnies. What, we only drink in mesh? What, do the sleeves get in the way? Maybe this game… is a lacrosse game! And anyway, why “Slope Day?” I mean, really, why? What are we celebrating? Slopes? Couldn’t just have this thing in Barton? No way, can’t have the stage, it’s not stage day, it’s slope day!