ITHACA, NY – Campus is abuzz today with the outrageous news of this year’s slope day artist. “This is simply preposterous!” stated flabbergasted Junior Emily Smalls, “Him? For Slope Day? Well I never!”
The nonsensical decision has befuddled the majority of campus, who were simply confounded by the choice of performer. Upon hearing the news, Senior Ryan Gold was reportedly taken aback, exclaiming, “The gaudiness of it all! And on my last Slope Day! How absurd! It’s absolute balderdash!” Gold continued by praising the reasonableness of the likes of Taio Cruz and the level-headedness of past choices like Kendrick Lamar, adding “The Slope Day Board has made an outlandish decision. Gone are the justified and cogent entertainers of yesteryear.”
The Slope Day Programming Board has expressed excitement that their news has caused such a ruckus on campus. “Overall I’d say the announcement was a success. Students all across campus are stupefied, baffled, and befuddled,” said slope day chair Yang Zhao. “Publicity is great, and my, haven’t we caused quite the uproar.”
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