ITHACA, NY – As Cornell was brought in for its seasonal checkup, it was revealed that its Spring has broken, and may be beyond repair.
Upon receiving the news that Spring was in fact irreversibly broken, Cornell president David Skorton told reporters “I’ve been bringing Cornell in for its inspection every year for the past half-a-dozen years. And sure, there’s usually some leaking snow or a few fluke temperature malfunctions, but I never thought that Spring was just plain busted.” When asked for further comments, Skorton turned his head in silence and stared out the window as a late-March snow flurry desolated his university.
Spring breaking is a relatively common occurrence across the country, particularly in the northeast. University owners are forced to push through an extra blizzard or forget to refill their campus optimism and the Spring falls apart. Spontaneous cold fronts, misleading forecasts, and widespread misery and disappointment are all symptoms of a broken Spring.
Todd Hamesworth, the seasonal repairman, added, “Your Spring is banged up pretty bad. I can’t find its hope anywhere and the sunshine is totally worn out. You can try chugging along until your Summer kicks in, but you might just be better off just buying a new university.”
With no indication of a plan to fix or replace Cornell’s Spring, students are advised to suck it up, you bunch of pansies.