CUNooz’s Guide to Spring Break

  • If you travel to Mexico, don’t forget to drink the water. Or if you travel anywhere. Or if you don’t travel at all. Water is essential no matter where you are.

  • To avoid the pain of a nasty sunburn, remember to regularly use a liberal amount of Tequila. Apply directly to skin.

  • To relax on the beach, try to think about the prelim you have on Tuesday that everybody but you is studying for. Think about it so hard that you pass out.

  • The best way to avoid nasty tan lines is to remain topless for the entire week. And stay indoors.

  • Always remember: pics or it didn’t happen, especially during sex-capades with Emilio, the native lifeguard.

  • If a scary man with dreadlocks and gold teeth approaches you on the beach, don’t worry – it’s just critically-acclaimed actor James Franco! Ask him what Seth Rogen is like on real life.

  • Remember, planes are always late, so to be safe, show up 1 hour after your boarding time.

  • If you’re vacationing in Malaysia, the safest way to get there is to swim.

  • Sex on the beach is awesome because you’re surrounded by nature’s greatest lubricant: sand.

  • Make sure to pack your driver’s license, passport, boarding pass, a suitcase full of $10,000, a shotgun, two weeks’ supply of food, and mustache glasses. When the time comes, you’ll know what to do. And don’t forget sunscreen!

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