ITHACA, NY – In a cross-department study performed by sociology professor Howard Lipton and tenured biology researcher Dr. Mangold Biggins, the longstanding Cornell practice of making eye contact on Ho Plaza has been deemed a certain cause of death. According to Lipton and Biggins, the human body goes into immediate cardiac arrest when even a fleeting glance is exchanged with any acquaintance, former hookup, or relatively attractive person while walking on Ho Plaza. Complete paralysis ensues, reducing both involved parties to a unresponsive, near-vegetative state. It has been described as “a beautiful tragedy” and “unbelievably awkward.”
Lipton does not leave students empty-handed, however. He asserts that students can protect themselves by pretending to text, untangling their headphones, or looking at the clock tower or any other surroundings during the time in which the exchange would otherwise have happened. “If another person approaches you, do not panic,” Lipton says, “Tell them you are late to class in Plant Science and you need to go. These situations should be avoided at all costs.” By taking these precautions, students can protect themselves from this dangerous practice.
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