By Cornell Police Chief Kathy Zoner
Howdy partner! I didn’t see you wander into town. Nice day for it though…mighty nice day. Whelp, since you’re new here I figured I’d introduce myself and let you know that I’m the sheriff ‘round these parts.
No cause for alarm, stranger! If you don’t start any trouble we won’t have a problem, and if you do….well, let’s just say you wouldn’t be the first outlaw who thought they could waltz on into the gorges, or get drunk off whiskey in the dorms. They always think they can beat me.
They always get JA’d.
Woah, easy there, amigo! You best keep your fingers off that holster. I don’t mean you no harm, long as you play by the rules and keep in line with the law…the laws in my town are simple enough.
First, like I said before, stay out of the gorges. That’s for your own safety. I don’t rightly know what goes on down there, but some folks say they’re cursed. Sounds like a load of hogwash to me. All I know is when folks go in there, they don’t come out, and if I have to send good men in after you….you’re gonna get JA’d.
Second, don’t go carrying around open bottles of booze. I don’t want drunks wandering around making a mess of my town, and if I catch you….you’ll get JA’d faster than a jackrabbit on the Fourth of July.
Lastly, don’t be crossing the street where you don’t belong. Things get nasty real fast if folks don’t pay attention to the signs, and if you’re even thinking of jaywalking…You better believe you’ll get JA’d.
And if you think you’re some kind of track star, try and run away from me? Oh, you bet your best boots you’re gonna get JA’d.
That just about sums it up, friend-o. I think I’ve made myself pretty clear. You’re free to go about your way, but just remember…I’ll be watching you. And no chalking around the ol’ Saloon.