GANNETT– University Officials released a statement that the Ebola virus spreading throughout West Africa has very little chance of affecting the Cornell community, after which they added that they had “probably jinxed it now that we’ve mentioned it. Fuck.”
Dr. Kent Bullis, director of Gannett Health Services, said that the U.S. healthcare system is comprehensive enough that the possibility of an Ebola outbreak on campus is “extraordinarily unlikely. However, it’s almost certainly going to happen now, because that’s just how the universe works, isn’t it?”
Bullis went on to explain that he isn’t a particularly superstitious person, but in his experience, irony is a bitch.
“I’ll probably be the first one to contract it, too,” added Bullis, as he frantically searched his office for something wooden on which to knock.
Students studying abroad in Africa this semester are encouraged to be very cautious and health-conscious during the semester, and to stay far, far away from Dr. Kent Bullis upon their return.