WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL – Monday, in one of her weekly emails to the student body, Denise Cassaro reminded students that the semester, as well as their youth, is already half-over.
“Wow!” remarked Cassaro in her signature multi-color newsletter. “I can’t believe it! It feels like the semester just began! In just a few weeks you all will be getting ready for finals, and you’ll be that much closer to the grey monotony of adult life that stretches tediously on until death’s inevitable embrace.”
Students, for whom “half of the academic semester and the promise of a life yet unlived” has passed, were advised to “work hard in the second half of the semester [and] know that the bright light of youth fades every day.”
She enumerated the events currently being planned by the Willard Straight Resource Center, as well as various things students can expect as their youth drains rapidly away, including “loss of sex drive, tiredness, fatigued skin, hair loss, back hair, sagging breasts, reduced stamina, depression, and failure.”
In her cheerful sign-off, she remarked, “I’ll write you again in a week, at which point the semester and your youth will be more than half over. Neat!”