Cornell Seniors Excited to Graduate into Indentured Servitude

BARNES HALL – Senior Simone Sedgwick is supposedly super stoked about her looming prospects of post-graduation indentured servitude.

“My current loan balance is 20% more than the annual salary of a nation’s leading neurosurgeons,” explained Sedgwick while playfully tearing out her hair.

“The current cost of living combined with the astoundingly meager job prospects predict that I will fully pay off my student loans 8 to 10 years after my death. Do you know if my kids will be responsible for paying off my debts? Should I tie my tubes now?”

Professor Jefferson Cowie, Chair of the Department of Labor Relations, Law, and History, remarked on this bizarre, distinctly American, phenomenon.

“During the colonial days, indentured servants worked for 3 years upon the completion of which they typically received a few dozen acres of land. Contemporary college students, on the other hand, seem to have indefinitely long lasting work contracts, upon the completion of which they will be receiving exactly zero acres of land.”

“Some say that after paying off your student loans you regain the ability to sleep,” says senior Jewel Simmons. “This is difficult to confirm due to the fact that no one has ever actually met anyone who has repaid their student loans in full.”

Sedgwick and Simmons along with other recent grads managed to find solace in Netflix and alcohol even while dealing with their parents’ passive aggressive comments about growing up.

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