REPORT: Girlfriend Doesn’t Look Like Mom at All

COLLEGETOWN — After several months of research and careful consideration, you can safely say that your mother bears no resemblance whatsoever to your girlfriend. This breakthrough is a result of tireless effort on the part of your conscious mind, constantly evaluating your girlfriend’s features and actions to ensure that she bears no resemblance to the woman who birthed you.

“She’s not as tall as Mom, her hair is a completely different style, their eye colors are different, it’s really a no-brainer” you told yourself several weeks ago. “Mom doesn’t even wear the same style of clothing that she does. She wears scarves, Mom wears shawls. She wears flats, Mom wears heels. It’s not a problem.”

You know full well that the Freudian concept of the Oedipus Complex states that for men to be attracted to their mothers or those similar to them is universal. But still, with this in mind, you are certain that that particular brand of psychoanalysis does not apply to you in this case. You are not overthinking this.

“Hey honey, what do we want to do for dinner tonight? Do you want to watch a movie too?” asked your girlfriend, just now,  in the apartment you share, in a way that didn’t sound at all maternal. Not at all.

In addition to the conclusions made about your significant other, you further concluded this week that just because your hair looks like it’s thinning now does not mean you will be bald like Dad.

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