104WEST! — Panic erupted at Cornell’s Jewish dining hall on Wednesday, when several patrons discovered that a non-Jew had gained access to the premises. The goyish intruder, Sean O’Flynn ’16, made it past the first few tiers of security and was almost about to eat his lunch before the alarms went off.
“A breach like this is unprecedented,” said Officer Clint Sarraille of CUPD. “The fact that a young Christian male could somehow evade the multitude of detectors and scans we put students through to ensure a completely Jewish community is baffling.”
“My guess is that he must be circumcised at least,” added Sarraille.
O’Flynn was reportedly getting food inside the dining hall when his peers noticed that he had gotten matzoh ball soup — without the matzoh ball. Additional suspicion arose when he didn’t even bother trying the noodle kugel, which in and of itself warranted a call to the authorities.
Cornell Center for Jewish Life takes full responsibility for the intrusion, and has promised to appeal to the larger goyish community by including a meal plan allowing non-Jewish students to convert in order to access the dining hall.