ROCHESTER – Derrick Crowley, Class of 2019, is currently attempting to figure out the best way to tell his fellow freshman of that one night of underage drinking during his final year of high school. Crowley believes that his crazy and meticulously practiced story will gain him social credibility and immediately garner friends during O-Week.
“This will definitely get me in with my fellow students,” said Crowley. “My story is really unique and it shows how I’m not willing to adhere to authority!”
His story is rumored to include such details as the place where he threw up, his conversation with that cute girl Rebecca, his trek to the beach where he lost his third favorite sweatshirt, and the crazy thing he did when four other people were looking.
“It started out as a normal Wednesday night, that is, until Robby took the quarter-full handle of Svedka out of his backpack,” rehearsed Crowley into his bathroom mirror.
When asked for any further clarification, Crowley declined in order to keep the story a mystery that he will only tell to his closest friends after arriving on campus in the fall.
“I think I have an edge because I did something that most kids have never done in high school and that’s what will get me to the top of the social ladder early.”
Crowley was quick to point out that he’s optimistic his story will engage listeners and hopefully lead to his first college hookup. He also added that he hooked up with a girl while still in high school, which is another story that everyone will want to hear.
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