July 22, 2015

BREAKING: Mob Takes Down Another Collegetown Restaurant

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COLLEGETOWN — The Ithaca Mob has forced the closure of yet another one of Collegetown’s celebrated restaurants, Stella’s Cafe.

“Mob bosses have been very active recently in trying to shut down anywhere fun or tasteful in the Ithaca area,” said Cornell Police Chief Kathy Zoner. “It’s just a shame that Stella’s was next on their hit-list.”

Investigators are speculating as to why these gangsters are specifically targeting the venues most beloved to Cornell students, the leading theory being that the restaurants did not get along with Collegetown landlords, many of which are Mob members themselves.

“Look, we ain’t sayin’ it was us that burned down the Chapter House or no nothin’,” said a spokesman for the Mob, “but if we did, they woulda had it comin’. Same goes for that Stella’s place, the lousy two-timers.”

The criminals responsible for closing Collegetown’s best locales face up to five years in prison; however, those responsible for closing Pixel will likely be given commuted sentences.

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