Incoming Freshmen Desperately Need Movie Version of Slaughterhouse-Five

NEW ROCHELLE  — With the new school year only weeks away, reports indicate that hundreds of incoming Cornell freshmen have still not read their summer reading assignment, “Slaughterhouse Five,” and have begun desperately searching online for the movie version of the novel instead.

“I want to be on top of my academics this upcoming school year, so I should at least watch the movie ahead of time so I don’t have to read the book” said Joey Wallace ’19, while exhaustively searching Google for the 1972 film based on the Vonnegut classic.

“My sister wrote a report on it back in high school but I doubt she still has it. I really just need to get the gist of this book before I have to do any real work!” said Harrison Brown ’19, who has already started the introductory paragraph of the essay portion of the reading assignment, purely based off the book’s Wikipedia entry.

It was later reported that, after attempting to focus enough to read through the Sparknotes version, both Wallace and Brown settled on the same five-minute video explaining the synopsis of the book he found on YouTube, so it goes.

Editor’s note: This article has been updated to reflect the fact that new students are no longer required to read a book and write an essay before the term starts for their New Student Reading Project. The editors are also incredibly annoyed by this fact, not just because we had to update the article, but because we had to do homework over the summer when we were freshmen and it’s just not fair.

Second editor’s note: The original title of this article “Incoming Freshmen Desperately Needs Movie Version of Slaughterhouse-Five” has been amended to be grammatically correct. We’re just going to admit it, all the editors were drunk when they posted this.

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