Nooz Staff August 31, 2015

Blood-Covered Ornithology Researcher “Sorry About the Birds”

SAPSUCKER WOODS — A blood-covered research assistant from Cornell’s Lab of Ornithology released a statement earlier today that he was “sorry about what happened with all the birds back there.”

The researcher, biology student Robert Cowan M.S. ’18 studying changes in the behavior of the North American Goldfinch in the presence of lawnmowers, claims that the whole accident was just an honest mistake.

“Honest to god, I didn’t realize I had finch blood on my hands until it was too late. Darn shame,” said Cowan apologetically, wiping feathers and entrails off of his jacket.

The fifty-odd birds that perished in Cowan’s experiment were thankfully covered under insurance, and Cowan has been forgiven for his unfortunate mishap on the condition that it not happen again.

Added Cowan’s advisor, Dr. David Winkler in final defense of his student’s actions, “it was all just a big misunderstanding. On the bright side, the department now has dinner for the week.”

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