Nooz Staff November 2, 2015

OP-ED: You Fuckers Want Us To Divest? Fine. We’ll Divest.

From the desk of Elizabeth Garrett:

When I woke up Saturday morning, the last thing I was expecting to see was our beautiful A.D. White statue vandalized with the word “divest”. Look, this is an issue that we’ve been working through for a long time, and stunts like this wouldn’t usually affect any relevant decisions. But I’ve had it up to here with all of this complaining about divestment. You’ve all pushed me too far.

So you fuckers think you actually want to divest? Alright then. We’ll divest. We’ll divest from everything.

Oh, not so passionate now, are you? Yeah, that’s right, you shitheads wanted divestment and you’ll get it. Sure, we’ll divest from all fossil fuels and non-renewable energies. But guess what? We’re divesting from solar energy too. And wind energy. And all energy sources. Have fun walking around a campus with no power, because that’s what you assholes have walked yourselves into.

Do you even realize how much money comes from us investing in things? A shit ton. You thought a goddamn heath fee was bad? How about tuition going up by a cool hundred thousand bucks. What’s that? You don’t want to divest anymore? Too bad, asswipes.

And by the way, what the hell was the hammer and sickle for? Do you idiots not know the difference between communism and divestment? Or did somebody leave wingdings on while defacing the statue of the co-founder of this school? Either way, we’re divesting from statues and typefaces as well.

Maybe next time you’ll think a little more before stooping to graffiti to try to end arguments over important topics. Then again, go for it. See if I care. But graffiti won’t be going away any time soon, because we divested from our entire janitorial staff. Welcome to the new order, jackasses.

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