SCHOELLKOPF FIELD – With a humiliating final score against Dartmouth of 21-3 signifying their eighth loss of the season, the Cornell football team gleefully realized they were only two more losses away from filling out their Cornell Dining beverage punch card and receiving a free bubble tea from Jansens Market at the Noyes Community Center.
“This is super exciting!” said quarterback Jacob Lamstar ‘17, who has already decided he wants a mango-flavored refreshment with green tea and milk. “Seeing us so close to our goal of getting a complimentary drink is just a great demonstration of the team’s dedication and effort levels.”
David Archer, head coach of the Big Red, firmly believes that treating his talented athletes to a sugary-sweet smoothie is the best way to forget about the bitter, sorrowful taste of defeat.
Archer commented, “Since the vast administrative funds and various alumni donations that went to the team are being wasted, we thought taking advantage of the free drink deal would at least save the team some money.”
In unfortunate the event of the players winning one of the last two games of the season against Columbia or UPenn, the Cornell Men’s Hockey team has agreed to let them use their loss against Quinnipiac to fill out their tenth punch.