Hey, I see you on our website right now. What are you doing? You’re supposed to be studying for finals. Get the fuck back to studying for finals.
No! What are you doing? You’re still reading this. You think this is funny? The final counts for like 30% of your grade. Stop reading this and go do your work.
Okay, I’m not really sure you get the whole picture here. See, the more you read this opinion piece, the less time you’re spending on reviewing the material from this past semester. Or worse, learning it in the first place.
Is this what you want? You want to just remain blissfully unaware of your upcoming exams? You want to be coddled by the warm glow of humor and levity, living in the present and ignorant of the future?
You idiot. I’m telling you this for your own good, because I want you to do well, undistracted by the temptations of the internet. Please stop reading this.
Alright, fine. You’ve won. I’ll play along with your little game here. Keep reading this article as long as you want. See if I care.