Cornell Men’s Basketball Narrowly Avoids Upset by Missing NCAA Tournament Entirely

NEWMAN ARENA — The men’s basketball team was able to avoid embarrassment on a national stage in the NCAA tournament last night by not participating in said tournament.

“It sure would have been tough to see our boys get clobbered by some power conference school like Duke or Kentucky,” expressed Dylan Harris ‘18, point guard for the Big Red, who would have had to deal with mockery from his friends at those schools, as well as from rival Yale.

“We just don’t belong on the same court as those teams. We really lucked out by avoiding them in our schedule this year. Hopefully, the team can continue to play in such a way as to avoid televised humiliation for years to come.”

Students apparently became increasingly concerned about the potential for a public image disaster upon hearing rumors of a highly touted basketball recruit joining the class of 2020.

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