After months of anticipation, the University finally announced decisions for the undergraduate Class of 2020. Here are the official admissions statistics of those few thousand students lucky enough to be admitted:
- Recently given a copy of “Oh the Places You’ll Go”: 60%
- Thoughts on war: “bad”
- Total calories: 305,293,753
- Average Eyesight: 20/100, ironically
- Honest People: 2834
- Total planets represented: 1
- Single: 30%
- Single by November: 70%
- Appreciates a good fart joke occasionally: 12%
- Wrote emotional story about snakes for application essay: Tim
- Most common noise made when accepted: “wagh!”
- Reincarnations of Ezra Cornell: 6
- Most common father: Robert Klein
- Ticklish but don’t want you to touch them: 66%
- Hours wasted worrying about application: too many
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