GANNETT HEALTH SERVICES — Representatives from Gannett Health Services report a staggeringly low number of confirmed sexually transmitted disease cases on campus for this semester, attributing the drop to a clever sex pun PSA posted in the 4th floor Donlon hallway by RA Danielle Covington ’17.
“If you don’t use protection, you’re a goner(rhea)!” exclaimed a cartoon phallus from Covington’s poster next to the elevator, forcing dozens of impressionable freshmen to take notice of the condom-less male genitalia and reconsider their own sexual shenanigans.
“I considered having unprotected sex with Ken later, but there’s no way I’ll go for that now. Thanks Rick the Dick!” stated resident Lily Newhart ’19, forever changed due to the informative poster down the hall from her dorm.
Gannett later said that the next goal was to reduce the spread of viruses on campus by placing even more jokey warning stickers on every soap and hand sanitizer dispenser.