ITHACA – Earlier today, at around 2 PM, the Cornell Police distributed an email notifying the campus community of an altercation between a Cornellian and his “non-Cornellian friend,” and several “Asian subjects” near Myron Taylor Hall. The Cornellian victim was found substantially injured at the scene when police arrived.
“In light of recent events, we will soon be holding our own internal investigation into the matter,” said Bryan Park ’16, who does not have a reliable alibi. “We’ll shortly be conducting cross-examinations on all 3,600 suspects of our Asian community here on campus.”
“At the moment we are working with the location of the incident, the time, as well as the racial composition,” said Joanne Zhou’ 18, who does fit one of the descriptions. “It’s pretty much all you need. Other information detailing motives or descriptions such as attire, age, height, and other individual physical characteristics are not of major importance at this time.”
Park and Zhou noted that investigations and questioning will likely be held at bubble tea and hibachi restaurants in the Collegetown area.