May 29, 2016

Graduating Senior Blissfully Unaware Gap-Year Actually Gap-Decade

SCHOELLKOPF — Recent classics major graduate Brenton Phan ’16 has reportedly been blissfully unaware that the break from his career path will be a lot longer than he expects it to be, as the gap-year he was planning on taking before going to graduate school will slowly turn into a gap-decade.

“I feel like I need some breathing space, just some time to gather my thoughts and get more ‘life experiences,’ you know?” said the hopeful young alumnus, whose parents and teachers put in hard work to place him on the track to becoming an invaluable, contributing member of society, instead of the lazy bum he will be until at least 2026.

“Well, I’m pretty sure everything’ll just fall into place the way they’re supposed to. It always does!” smiled Phan, while he still could.

“I’m just very optimistic; no matter what happens, I’ll be doing something, somewhere, until I get back to getting my Master’s. Sometimes, having no plan is the best plan,” added Phan, while playing the newest Call of Duty with his similarly unmotivated friends in his unwitting preparation for a decade of being a waste of space.

At press time, Phan has confirmed that, come think of it, he was fucked.

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