October 12, 2016

Jewish Student Uses Yom Kippur to Reflect on How He Doesn’t Have Food in House Anyway

COLLEGETOWN — In recognition of Yom Kippur, the annual Jewish holiday of atonement during which followers often fast for a full 24 hours, Cornell student Isaac Rosen ’18 has decided to refrain from eating and reflect on the fact that he doesn’t really have any food in his house anyway.

“I’m so proud to continue this incredible tradition of acknowledging my past wrongdoings and suffering for the entire day by not eating, though honestly I probably wouldn’t have been able to scrounge enough food in my house to make a full meal anyway,” said the somber and relatively hungry junior, continually searching through his cabinets for a spare granola bar or a half-eaten bag of chips to munch on once sundown arrived.

“I certainly made mistakes last year, mistakes that I’m now acutely aware of due to my rumbling stomach. Those mistakes include not buying more DiGiorno’s frozen pizza when given the chance, and not saving the other half of the burrito I had for lunch yesterday. What a truly special holiday.”

Rosen apparently had finished atoning for his sins at 4:45, when in a hunger-induced panic he realized that he could just grab some leftover food from his frat house.

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