Title IX Investigations Keep Piling Up In University’s Spam Folder

DAY HALL — A recent report by the U.S. Department of Education’s Office of Civil Rights, which named Cornell the university with the highest number of active Title IX investigations, has landed atop a growing heap of Title IX emails in the university’s spam folder.

“Initially, I was pleasantly surprised by how bare the Cornell email was. Turns out everything that might upset the trustees has been going into spam, which works for me until I have to sort it out,” said administrative assistant Fred Reed.

The agglomeration is only expanding, with every new investigation generating legions of emails with the phrase “Title IX,” which automatically sort into the spam folder. “I’ve color coded the different types of discrimination — gender as pink and socioeconomic inequalities as green — so the spam folder looks kind of like a watermelon now, which is always fun,” added Reed.

“At a certain point, it just gets to an unmanageable size, you know? All you can do is just let it be. Maybe it’ll go away!”

Reed was unavailable for further comment after hearing that he had won a free cruise.

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