OP-ED: Hey Prospective Freshman, You Should Totally Join Our Club That You’ll Probably Get Rejected From

Hey there, you bright-eyed, bushy-tailed little thing. Nice to see you’ve been getting all settled into your new life here, but have you considered what you’re gonna be doing outside of class? Well if you haven’t decided yet, you should try applying to our club that we’ll probably reject you from anyways!

That’s right! It doesn’t matter if our club is an acapella group, consulting club, or even a hacky satirical news website. You probably wouldn’t be a good fit for our club, and we’ll probably reject you anyways despite our wonderful conversation at Clubfest where we bonded over our mutual love for artisanal clam shells.

And if you do get rejected, which you probably will, you should still apply next year, at which point you’ll have already found a club that accepts you and have no need to apply to ours, but I’m just saying it as a courtesy, because we both know you would never make the cut be it your freshman year or your senior.

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