November 2, 2017

Small Bag of Free Popcorn Only Thing Keeping Majority of Students Going

WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—A new study has concluded that the only thing keeping most Cornell students going each day is getting a small bag of free popcorn from Willard Straight Hall.

“Our research indicates that without the prospect of shuffling over to Willard Straight Hall to eat a fist-sized bag of popcorn, 54% of Cornell students would have no reason to get out of bed,” stated lead researcher and psychology professor Carol Windmere.

Survey responses reflected that in the absence of fulfilling classes or meaningful interpersonal relationships, the customizable Resource Center snack is the lone point of dim light in a large portion of the student body’s otherwise dreary life.

“A statistically significant number reported that their free popcorn gave them just enough lifeblood to get through the rest of the day until their next visit to the popcorn booth,” said Windmere, before recommending that those who take their popcorn plain should consider checking out Gannett’s mental health resources.

A press release has declared the study’s results overwhelmingly positive, and administrators have begun brainstorming new ways to feed students tiny morsels of feigned happiness to keep them from abandoning hope that their lives will have any meaning.

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