November 21, 2017

CU Nooz’s Guide to Surviving Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving Break is often a stressful time full of personality clashes and ideological disagreements. Here are CU Nooz’s tips for surviving!

  • Offer to breed, raise, slaughter, clean, and roast the turkey to avoid spending time with distant cousins.
  • Communicate only through memes to show your great aunt that your thoughts and feelings are in fact relatable.
  • Volunteer to stand directly in front of the television so that the alpha males of your family can’t butt heads over sports.
  • When your grandma asks you about your love life, remind her that Mary was a virgin.
  • Remember to avoid the upstairs bathroom, because that’s where your uncle goes to poop.
  • To help ease small talk, separate the group into three tables: adults, kids, and racists.
  • Repeatedly stare at backpack full of textbooks you optimistically lugged home but realistically will never open.
  • Write down versions of “It’s delicious!” and “Best I’ve ever had!” on the back of your hand to prepare for your mother’s constant need of validation for her cooking.
  • If things get quiet, repeatedly whisper “Roy Moore” until the things liven up. Then shout “Ben Carson” until everyone calms down again.
  • Remind your successful relatives that unless you find a job, you’ll be moving in with them, so they better hustle on the whole networking thing.
  • If things get stressful, just remember that after this break you have one week until finals begin, so you ain’t seen nothin yet. Perspective is key.

Like This!