COLLEGETOWN—Following a money bath and roundtable discussion on how to best avoid fixing clogged sinks, Ithaca landlords commenced their annual withholding of security deposits.
“Alright everyone, it’s our favorite time of year again,” said collegetown landlord Steve Faramise, “Let’s all practice listing reasons why our tenants cannot receive their security deposit returns.”
Citing excuses such as wet sinks, dust under sofas, chipping facades, and unkempt basements, the landlords wrote out templates explaining why their tenants couldn’t get their deposits back, ready to send at first complaint.
“If none of your excuses are sticking,” Faramise continued, “feel free not to reply to their emails for the accepted 3–7 business months.”
The landlords concluded their meeting agreeing to collectively jack up rental prices and jack off to a job well done.