MEWS HALL – After Derek G., class of 2022, hurled his open-faced meatball sub against the Mews 3-East study lounge, “Now that everyone has something to talk about, things have become a lot more sociable!” reported residence hall director Jenna F.
“Things were pretty desolate before the sub…I hadn’t made eye contact with my roommate in weeks.” said Alex A., Mews resident. “But ever since Mews was blessed with this 12-inch soggy mass of bread and ground beef, conversation has become so much easier!”
“They’ve even stopped drawing dicks on the fun animal photos I put on everyone’s doors when they moved in!” Jenna exclaimed, taking a moment to gaze wistfully out the window before audibly whispering “Thank you, Mr. Meatball…” to no one in particular.
An on-scene survey reported opened doors, hallway golf, audible Chance the Rapper, and at least one gold-decaled “Live, Laugh, Love” sign posted on most bathroom doors.
With the custodial staff reluctant to remove the sub, reportedly citing the newfound sense of community and the fact that the sandwich has been ringed by a series of prayer candles and low-burning, marinara-scented-incense, it appears that the sub is well and truly here to stay.
While the meatball sub may eventually slide unceremoniously to the floor, the friendships (and tomato-sauce residue) will remain forever.