Masked, Crowbar-Wielding Kathy Zoner Leaves Force to Take Matters Into Own Hands

HO PLAZA—After repurposing a black satin curtain and a crowbar from the trunk of her ’97 Ford convertible, longtime police chief Kathy Zoner has left the Cornell Police force to take matters into her own hands.

Zoner’s intensity has only seemed to increase since her resignation, and many students are still adapting to the crowbar-wielding ex-cop’s vigilante activities. Jayvon Dreannen ’20 claimed to have seen a glimpse of her in Rockefeller Hall, attacking walls with her trusty crowbar. “It looked like she was wearing a cape. I’m glad she got rid of the asbestos, but it seemed a little over the top.”

Some of the vigilante’s other activities include standing pensively on the rooftop corner of the Physical Science Building while peering into the night, and sprinting up the Schoelkopf stadium steps four at a time for three continuous hours every morning.

Tanner Yorsonn, ‘22 had his own run-in with Zoner last Friday. “I was jaywalking on my way to class this morning and she just came out of nowhere. Before I knew it, I was being dangled over the Thurston Avenue bridge! She kept screaming at me, asking who I was working for, I was terrified! I can’t be sure if it was Kathy Zoner, but I will definitely be sticking to the sidewalks from now on.”

It is unclear whether “The Zoner’s” newfound vigilantism will shed light on the ex-cop’s motives, but she has reportedly been spending staring at Lake Cayuga while muttering the name “Rachel…” to herself on several occasions.

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