Ag School to Offer New Major: Beating the Living Piss Out of Livestock

ROBERTS HALL—The College of Agriculture and Life Sciences announced Friday that is will soon offer a new major for those who want to farm, but also want to put their animals through tremendous pain.

“Chicken nuggets taste better after the chickens were smashed in the face with a crowbar,” explained proponent Amelia Reddick ‘20. “Watching animals have a miserable time is an essential component of agriculture, and I’m glad that CALS has finally acknowledged that.”

The new field of study will offer courses such as BEAT 1107, “Fitting A Lot Of Stuff Into A Cow’s Rectum,” and BEAT 2208, “Hurting Baby Sheep on Physical and Spiritual Levels.”

CALS Dean Kathryn Boor has expressed enthusiasm for the new major. “The study of Beating the Living Piss Out Of Livestock is a wonderful opportunity for students to get hands-on experience torturing animals. One project will allow students to see just how much doody pigs could live in before they get Hepatitis A.”

By 2025, the college plans to add an additional farming-related major: Chewing A Piece of Straw Like A Badass.

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