Nooz Staff March 12, 2019

Fucking Moron Really Thought He Could Get a Spot on West

HIGH RISE 5—Despite the limited number of West Campus housing spots, total dumbass David Iyer ‘21 actually believed he had a shot at becoming one of the few upperclassmen to live on West Campus next year in the 2019-2020 housing lottery.

“I mean, I know Cornell’s a really big school,” said Iyer, a complete fuckwit. “But I’m a pretty lucky guy, and there’s no way the rooms fill up that quickly, right?”

Randomly assigned time slots were sent out March 4, giving the asshat plenty of time to realize that he had a fat fucking chance at a West Campus room. Other students in Iyer’s shitty timeslot had already begun looking for off-campus housing, but shit-for-brains Iyer still remained hopeful that he could obtain one of the coveted spots on West.

“It doesn’t have to be Becker or Bethe, but I’d really like to live somewhere on West, as long as it’s not a gothic,” said the naive shithead. “I mean, there’s no way a school like Cornell wouldn’t guarantee housing to all its students, right?”

Pending the obviously inevitable lack of space on West, Iyer has finally begun considering Collegetown housing. He is eagerly anticipating an influx of offers for affordable apartments with free parking and squeaky clean amenities.

 

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