Roommate With Car Cannot, In Fact, “Drive You Whenever”

BECKER HOUSE—Betty Keepler ‘22 considered herself lucky when her roommate Gloria Powell ‘22 informed her of her plans to drive her older sister’s compact SUV cross-country for the 2019-2020 school year. “She offered to drive me to my therapy appointments in Collegetown, which was super nice of her,” said Keepler “Parking passes are expensive, so I can’t afford to have a car at school. That’s why I was so grateful when Gloria offered to drive me whenever!’”

Despite those promises, Keepler has not received one ride from her roommate. “It’s always some excuse,” said suitemate Tarren Plink ‘21, “Gloria was supposed to pick me up at the airport last week, but she called and said it was too dangerous due to road hazards. When I asked her what the hazards were, she explained that autumn leaf-fall is more dangerous than a blizzard. That can’t be true, right?”  

As recompense, Powell offered “a lift anytime, anywhere, no questions asked!” Plink reportedly accepted the offer, asking Powell to drive him and two friends to Cinemapolis to see a new A24 movie. “She’d promised to take us, and then, just as we were getting in the car, Gloria said our excessive weight would damage her suspension. It was only three of us, and we’re all sprint football players!”

“We were so disappointed to miss the movie,” bemoaned Plink, “now we’ll never be able to see this touching but irreverent coming-of-age story in widescreen format. I’m starting to think Gloria might be scared of driving, but I know she drove through six states to get her car to Ithaca.”  

Powell’s roommate Keepler shared in his confusion: “her driver’s license is fine. I snuck into her room one day to check because I thought it might be expired or something, but her Wisconsin license matched my Wisconsin fake ID almost exactly! Turns out the holograms are supposed to have a blue shift, not pink. That was kind of a bummer to find out.”

Powell has denied allegations that her car’s battery is dead, replying that “my car is in top shape, and I have a full tank of gas.” At press time, she was spotted begging her grandparents to not rent a car while visiting her due to her capability to “totally ferry [them] wherever.”

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