Nooz Staff February 5, 2020

“I’m Really Worried About Coronavirus,” Says Student Who Literally Drank Piss During Rush

STATLER HALL—As concern mounts over the spread of the 2019 Novel Coronavirus, Jonah Frayer ’23 has been telling everyone he knows about the hygiene issues that led to the virus’s spread, despite drinking actual human urine during this semester’s rush festivities.

“It’s such a crisis. The incubation period is  a couple weeks, so anyone could already have it and not even know. I just think it’s important to stay alert,” said Frayer, whose other rush antics included chugging Four Lokos and crawling through vomit.

Frayer, who was extremely alarmed when a quick google search of the epidemic revealed the virus can cause severe complications such as pneumonia or kidney failure, has evidently not googled dangers of tripping on acid or eating live goldfish.“Maybe I should buy a mask. I don’t want to put my health at risk,” said Frayer, who definitely does not have his flu shot or, honestly, even wash his hands.

Frayer continued to loudly explain the risk of coronavirus to his friends as they walked to Collegetown to spend time in a literal cesspool of bodily fluids.

 

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