In Latest Heartfelt Email, Lombardi Begs Students to ‘Keep It in Their Pants’ During Zoom Classes

DAY HALL—In a desperate attempt to maintain a calm and professional learning environment, Vice President for Student and Campus Life Ryan Lombardi pleaded for students to stay fully clothed during virtual classes. 

“We are calling upon your strength as Cornellians to care for each other in the upcoming weeks,” Lombardi wrote in his most recent email. “But hanging brain in your Crime and Punishment seminar is not caring, even if it is technically an ‘expression of free speech’ or even an act of service because ‘this dong is so nice I write its presentation off in my taxes as a charitable donation.’” 

Many students expressed outrage with Lombardi’s oppressive sentiments. 

“He’s basically slut-shaming at this point.” James Compton ‘22 wrote back. “Look, if people can expose the 3 inches of their neck that fit into the camera’s frame, then I can streak back and forth in front of my computer during my psychology lecture.”

Lombardi intended to attach screenshot images demonstrating how to properly cover up but accidentally sent beautifully composed nudes instead because, well, he’s still learning how to use Zoom. 

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