RYE, NY—Bored and nostalgic junior Nancy Alcott ‘21 recently excavated her room to find her old Nintendo DS rolled up inside a Justin Timberlake poster, only to be disappointed in the nonexistent taste of her six year old self.
“I had so much fun playing with it on long car rides and plane trips, but now all I have are questions,” said Alcott after playing Animal Crossings: Wild World (c. 2005). “How did I even find this fun? These villagers are so needy. Why don’t they weed their own goddamn lawns and water their own goddamn flowers?”
Enraged, Alcott vowed that her childhood wasn’t a lie, and tried to insert her Nintendogs cartridge, only needing to blow on the game and the slot a mere seven times for it to slightly work.
“After having one aspect of my childhood crushed by the perils of adult life, and living with my insufferable parents for the last two months, I knew the only thing that could cheer me up was my virtual beagle puppy, Sparkles. But when I logged on it said he ran away,” lamented Alcott. “I can’t even… this device is horrible. And for God’s sake, what are these crusty orange stains on the buttons?”
As of press time, Alcott had traded her Nintendo DS on Facebook Marketplace for a variety pack of White Claws and had re-downloaded TikTok.