Presumptuous Host Ends Meeting For All

WILMINGTON, DE—Following a rallying end-of-semester speech from Salsa Club’s president, G-Body members were left staring at a Zoom dialogue box after meeting host VP Doug Bowens ’21 brazenly chose the “End Meeting for All” function. 

“This was my last club meeting as a Cornell student,” reminisced woeful President Devon Andes ’20, awkwardly closing the dialogue box before the 5-second timer hit zero. “I had a lineup of thank-you’s to give out to this year’s E-Board, so I guess I’ll just text them.”

Hundreds of miles away, a leather jacket clad Bowens put on Ray Bans, leaned back in his chair, and lit up a cigarette. “Sorry kids but this Zoom meeting ends when I say so. You want forgiveness? Go to church.” 

At press time, a power-tripping Bowens forced members to wait to be admitted and demanded a “please and thank you” before enabling screen share capabilities to all participants. 

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