Cornell Dining Offers Refund in Form of Single Day 100,000 Calorie Buffet

BETHE DINING HALL—Following weeks of anticipation over what form the university’s meal plan rebate would take, Cornell Dining unveiled a grotesque 24-hour all-you-can-eat marathon food bonanza. 

“We are offering enough food to cover half a semester’s meal plan: buckets of sun-dried tomato pasta, seasoned black beans in a tub, and roasted peppers,” said a sweating Rose Dining Hall Chef Michael Burgess, emptying a wheelbarrow of Frank’s Hot Sauce into a 10-gallon dipping bucket. “We hope getting a 38th, 39th, and 40th serving of tomato soup makes up for the meal swipes lost.” 

To ensure students can get the full value of their refund, the university is encouraging students to unbuckle their belts and remove their cuff-links as they sweatily guzzle their way through the refund. “I’m just making sure Cornell doesn’t steal any more money from me,” said a slobbering Martin Grimes ’21, ogling a masala dosa in the Indian section before locking eyes with Thai fried rice. 

At press time, dining hall staff members were informing diners they’d still be limited to one piece of chicken per person.

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