RALEIGH, NC – After four semesters at Cornell, sophomore Rodney Phillip ’23 has at last attained the perfect balance between his academics and personal life by leaving the school altogether and taking a leave of absence.
“It definitely took a few semesters of trial and error to find the best equilibrium,” explained Phillip, while sipping a White Claw from his childhood bedroom. “But now, I think I’ve cracked it, and I’m finally able to put me and my health first.”
The unemployed former student’s new daily routine is filled with luxuries he was unable to accommodate in his schedule as a student, such as waking up at 4 PM, playing League of Legends for six hours, and even showering.
“At school I tried eating healthy, but I barely had time to plan for meals and go grocery shopping,” he added. “Now my food preparation routine is way easier: my Mom leaves lunch and dinner outside my room every day.”
Phillips’ new-and-improved lifestyle was rounded out each day by falling asleep in front of his computer after crashing from three cans of Redbull.