COLLEGETOWN—Tuesday is Election Day in America, which means all of the stress, hard-work, and exhaustion will culminate in victory or defeat for one major presidential candidate, in about three to four months.
“I’ve spent the last four years of my life anxious about whether our gradual decline into fascism would turn into a tailspin,” said James Ramirez ’22. “Thankfully today is Election Day, meaning I’ll finally be able to put my fears to rest as soon as the Michigan results come in this December, and Florida’s somewhere between February and May.”
Students all around campus are thrilled that in only a few short months, this election will be settled once Amy Coney Barrett gives the deciding vote on whether all ballots from Pennsylvania for Joe Biden should be thrown out for some reason.
“Man, it’s crazy that I will go to bed tonight and tomorrow I’ll wake up with a slightly changed 538 forecast,” exclaimed Kendra Peters ’21. “Sure, most of the time we know who the next President will be by midnight, but now we get to pull all-nighters refreshing the New York Times’ needle for 12 more weeks.”
At press time, one single man, Harold Peters ’64 has begun counting ballots for Tompkins County and is expected to finish by mid-March.