The Votes Are In: Student Assembly Thinks Timberlands Are The Tastiest Boots To Lick

WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—After a long and contentious debate period, a majority of Cornell’s governing student body voted that out of all footwear options, the tastiest by far are Timberlands.

The discussion prior to the vote was marred by infighting and irregular procedure. Students wondered whether the Timberlands in question were the generic tan color and if they ought to consider the standard or fleece-lined model. COVID-19 restrictions sadly made the test-licking pair of Timberlands procured by the Student Assembly inaccessible to the majority of voters, although a few stopped by the boots’ top-secret on-campus location to “give them a big old sniff.”

While decisions on the deliciousness-factor of steel-toed work boots are normally scored on a rubric of salt, fat, acid, and heat, the Student Assembly opted to renounce this system. Instead, the S.A. debated how they believed the boot might taste, based on their understanding of other Twitter users’ professed boot palettes. An attempt to bring Cornell’s foremost boot-licking expert onto the call to answer questions was described as “literal violence” by an anonymous S.A. member.

This attention-grabbing issue has drawn to the forefront of campus discussions the importance of S.A. reform and the issues of effective representation, but somehow has not made anybody notice this happens every goddamn year.

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