Freshman Departs Campus For Winter Break With Box Of Condoms Still Unopened

DONLON HALL—Per sources close to the situation, the bulk-sized box of condoms purchased in August by freshman Isaac Moore at a Costco remained completely unused at the onset of winter break three months later.

“When I first moved in, he showed me the box of rubbers almost immediately and asked me if I thought he’d bought enough ‘raincoats,’” said Matt Steinbeck, Moore’s roommate. “I was kinda skeptical at the time, but in hindsight, jeez. Did he even leave the room to do anything other than eat in the last three months?”

Moore indicated that while the semester had not gone as anticipated, he was still optimistic about putting his “investment” to good use in the near future.

“It was rough going at times, I’m not gonna lie,” said Moore. “But I think we definitely made some progress over the last few months. A loser doesn’t get 22 matches on Tinder. It just becomes a matter of converting those matches to Snapchats, and then meeting in person, which is where we faltered the most this semester. Hopefully we can make some moves during the break and see some strides.”

At press time, Moore was reportedly “getting real close” with a Tinder match who last responded “k” three hours earlier.

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